Somewhere in vaguely historic China, on a mountain to the west, there lives an ogre who brews an elixir. It is said that if you drink the elixir you can instantly become an expert in anything you desire.
Zào was a student at a prestigious martial arts school. They had been at the school for a couple of years, and still not learned any of the cool techniques you’d want to make a movie about. Just the same few drills over and over, which Zào performed with little interest or zeal. This is not what Zào wanted to learn. Zào wanted to learn secret techniques, how to walk on air and how to steal bowls of rice from drunken cooks.
“Screw this!”, said Zào. And so they headed west.
Upon a mountain peak Zào found the ogre, grumbling to themselves and stirring a pot of steamy elixir (there’s really not much to do on a mountain peak). The elixir was thick and fragrant. Zào could taste the magic in the air. No doubt this was some dank elixir of the most magical kind.
“Want some elixir?” asked the ogre. “25 dollars a month.”
“The fuck is a dollar?” asked Zào.
“Oh… right, China. 25 Yuan a month.”
“I have to pay monthly?”
“Do you know what I had to do to make this?” growled the ogre. “Buy elixir or get off my mountain before I eat your liver!”
Zào signed the terms and conditions without reading any of them, drank the elixir and walked down the mountain as an expert in martial arts. They performed all the secret techniques just for fun and walked on air most of the way down the mountain. Have you ever climbed a mountain? Shit’s hard. Zào ain’t about that life. Zào walks on air because they can.
Zào arrived back at the martial arts school and called everyone to attendance. They stole a bowl of rice from the surprisingly agile cook, mostly because they could. Then Zào demonstrated every secret technique in front of the whole school. They received applause and accolades from the students, who’s minds were justifiably blown. The school’s master, however, nodded and said nothing.
“Master, I am an expert in all things martial arts.” proclaimed Zào.
The old master shook his head. “I don’t know about all that.”
“I have every secret technique. Every. Technique. I challenge you.”
The two squared off in the courtyard. The entire school was watching with anticipation. What they were about to witness was sure to be nothing short of insane. Every secret technique in existence was on the table. Zào prepared for a flying crane kick, as anything arial is just badass. Zào flies into the air and throws a kick so fast that its sound effect was delayed.
The old master smacks the piss out of Zào and sends them to the dirt.
Zào gets up onto their hands and knees and then… Tiger style! They rush the old master with the ferocity of a beast.
The old master smacks the piss out of Zào and sends them to the dirt.
Zào cycles through all 5 elements. They even bring in another martial artist and do some cool flips off of each other, which they had both saw in The Mystery of Chess Boxing.
The old master smacks the piss out of Zào and sends them to the dirt.
“I am impressed that you have learned every secret technique!” said the old master. “You never did pay any attention during our defense drills, though.”
And so Zào paid 50 Yuan a month after their trial period ended. They never figured out how to cancel their subscription, nor how to block a backhand to the face.